We all have these personal traits. Patterns of behaviour we somehow adopted when growing up. Survival mechanisms you could say. For me it’s to work hard. To spend my time doing something ‘useful’. To do something meaningful as a means to an end. To do something useful in order to deserve something.
For me, this pattern was an unconscious way to deal with the core belief that actually, there is not enough. Not enough love, oxygen, money, opportunity, food whatever it was at that moment. Not enough to truly fill me up. To truly feed me. In order to receive something, anything, I somehow decided I needed to handle it myself. I needed to arrange it myself. Do it right.
In order to survive this survival mechanism, I created another survival mechanism on top of that. A ‘helper’. This one was the toddler whose only word is “NO”. It’s the one who pushes against everything. Again, a perfect way to help out the first survival mechanism from ‘overperforming’. It actually makes a lot of sense. However, as you look at it from a more expanded point of view it’s such a ginormous loss of energy. So much push and pull, so much resistance just to compensate for the fear, hurt and/or disappointment that’s underneath.
Yóur survival mechanism might be something else. It might originate form the belief you aren’t really welcome here in this world. You don’t belong. So in order to make sure you are safe, you choose to not really engage. You choose to stick your head in the clouds: in the mind, or in a spiritual heaven. It might be to control and manipulate everything and everyone. To make sure you won’t be touched, hurt or exposed. Your survival mechanism might be to collapse every time an opportunity arises. You just can’t do it. You just aren’t enough. Or it might be something else.
Whatever your survival mechanism is, once you are ready to see the repetitive pattern of behaviour, of thought, once you become aware of your repetitive choices (from loving eyes), these patterns will loose their grip. Your survival mechanisms will loose solidity. They will start to unravel. Most likely not at once (although they can!), but layer after layer will drop over time.
The only thing for you to do is to be willing to see yourself for what you are. Instead of feeling you are the victim of your circumstances, of your patterns, see yourself as the powerhouse you truly are: the magnificent leader and creator of your world! You created these patterns to survive and now that you are an adult, you can choose something completely different. You can choose to be part of the solution, your solution! Instead of blaming yourself for this silly old behaviour: see both how this behaviour helped you all the way up to now AND see the downside, the cost of your pattern at the same time. There is nothing to resist here, it’s just how it is and it was perfect up to now.
This morning, another layer of my pattern was unveiled to me. I saw something that I couldn’t see before. Another false layer unravelled. What I saw was this: by handling it all myself, by working hard, I am not just tiring myself out with actions that don’t have any heart in it, I am actually resisting life. I am actively pushing away the natural flow of life, of abundance, of love. Now that I’ve seen it, there is no way back. There is no forgetting any more. I choose to connect to life.
What are you withholding from yourself?